Love beyond life

I gazed at my love, the night sky, after many years. He was still in his prime youth, continually transmitting his shine and magnificence everywhere.

I was in love with the night sky then and was very young and naive. But, he never reciprocated my love for him.

I had once set out to know his secrets, to capture him and his emotions. I traveled into the endless realms of Universe. The journey continued for years, but I couldn’t even be near him.

Today, my vision is blurred, my ears deafened and I have lost my youth and energy.I am on my death bed, awaiting for cessation. 

Through the open window, I could see the eternally young and handsome night sky. I closed my eyes, questioning about my love and life.I felt being embraced by the vast and handsome night sky.

I opened my eyes and saw the grieving face of my child over my lifeless body. I could hear mourning from the people around me.

And then, I realized, it was the final answer to my ultimate longing to be with him.

©Sarika Harikumar

April 22,2019

Mermaid

Her name was Kadha. Kadha did not have any friends, but she yearned to be with people. Others knew her as an introvert, but she was an extrovert inside her own self. Her thoughts and fantasies never had any boundaries. 

Kadha was not beautiful, but she wanted to be beautiful. She wanted others to talk about her beauty. She always imagined that she was a mermaid, caught up in human world and thought that her real beauty is hence hidden in the human form.

Kadha had a secret. She had kept it hidden in her study room. It was a beautiful peacock feather. She had picked it up one day on her way back from school.

She imagined that the peacock feather held all the secrets about her mermaid life. She tried to communicate to it every night .She touched it, caressed it and kept it inside her personal diary. In her dreams, she saw lights emanating from  the  treasured feather and low whispering from the diary. She saw the well-lit night sky and the moon light falling on her.She felt being lifted up by an unknown force and found herself in a river,her feet transforming in to a fish tail.Her body was silverish white and it sparkled in moon light.

She had this dream almost every day, but whenever she consciously tried to communicate with the feather, she failed.

Years passed and she grew up to be an ordinary girl. Her dreams never materialized and no one around her called her beautiful. She had suppressed her yearning desire to be accepted and approved by others around her in her childhood itself. She was sure that she will eventually lead a boring emotional life.

Once, she sat contemplating on her life and she happily found that she has many things which others do not have. She completed her studies and grabbed a good job without much difficulty and effort. She was now an extrovert and had many friends. Yet, none said that she was beautiful and her life moved on.

Then, on one day she met him on a train journey. His name was Chintha and was very handsome. Though she was attracted to him, she restricted herself due to her poor self-esteem regarding her appearance. He ignored her reluctance and started talking to her. They talked about the moon and the night sky, birds and nature and finally his dreams.

He told her that he used to have a dream in his childhood. He used to dream about a beautiful mermaid holding a peacock feather sitting by the side of a river on a moon-lit night. The mermaid had, beautiful dusky hair like her.

Then Chintha held the hands of Kadha and told, “Dear beautiful, you are my mermaid .Let’s swim and enjoy the cool waves together.”

And Kadha took out the peacock feather from her diary & kissed it.

*****************

ബുദ്ധൻ

ഹൈദരാബാദിലെ  ശിൽപരാമത്തിലാണ് ആദ്യമായി ആ ബുദ്ധ പ്രതിമയെ ഞാൻ കാണുന്നത്.ബുദ്ധനും  ബുദ്ധന്റെ ആശയങ്ങളും എനിക്ക് ചെറുപ്പം മുതൽ പ്രിയമുള്ളതായിരുന്നതിനാൽ, ബുദ്ധ പ്രതിമകളും,ചിത്രങ്ങളും സദാ  ഞങ്ങളുടെ വീടിൻ്റെ  സ്വീകരണമുറിയിൽ നിറഞ്ഞു നിന്നിരുന്നു.


എന്നാൽ, ഈ ബുദ്ധ പ്രതിമ മറ്റുള്ളവയെ പോലെ ആയിരുന്നില്ല.ഈ പ്രതിമക്ക് നീണ്ട വശ്യമായ മൂക്കും,നിറഞ്ഞ ചുണ്ടുകളും,ആഴ്ന്നിറങ്ങുന്ന നോട്ടമുള്ള കണ്ണുകളും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു.അതിനെ കണ്ട മാത്രയിൽ തന്നെ,ശ്യാമിൻ്റെ  മുഖ ഛായ ഉള്ളതായി എനിക്ക് തോന്നി.അക്കാരണത്താൽ തന്നെ വളരെയധികം വിലപേശാതെ ഞാൻ അത് വാങ്ങി .

ഞാൻ ഗർഭിണിയായിരുന്ന കാലഘട്ടമായിരുന്നു അത്.അല്പസ്വല്പം അസ്വസ്ഥതകൾ ഉള്ളതിനാൽ ഞാൻ മിക്കദിവസവും ഓഫീസിൽ പോകാറുണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല.ആ ദിവസങ്ങളിൽ ശ്യാം രാവിലെ ജോലിക്കു പോയാൽ ഇരുട്ടിയ ശേഷമേ വരികയുള്ളു.പകൽ നേരം മുഴുവൻ ഞാൻ തനിച്ചായിരിക്കും.

എൻ്റെ  ഏകാന്തതയിൽ ആ ബുദ്ധ ശില്പമെന്നെ അത്യന്തം ആകർഷിച്ചു കൊണ്ടിരുന്നു.അത് തുടച്ചു മിനുക്കി, എന്റെ മരത്തിന്റെ പുസ്തക അലമാരയുടെ ഒത്ത നടുവിൽ ഞാൻ പ്രതിഷ്ഠിച്ചു.

അതിനെ നോക്കി കിടക്കുമ്പോൾ എൻ്റെ ആത്‌മാവ്‌ ആ  ബുദ്ധനിലാണെന്ന്‌ എനിക്ക് തോന്നി.ആ പ്രതിമയുടെ മൂക്കും ,ചുണ്ടുകളും തലോടുമ്പോൾ ഏതോ ഒരു മുത്തശ്ശിക്കഥയിലെ പോലെ  ആ പ്രതിമക്ക് ജീവൻ വയ്ക്കുകയും  ആ ബുദ്ധനെന്നെ ആലിംഗനം ചെയ്യുകയും ചെയ്തു.

അന്ന് രാത്രി ഞാൻ ശ്യാമിനോട് ചോദിച്ചു, "യശോധാരയെ വിട്ടു പോയതു പോലെ എന്നെയും കുഞ്ഞിനേയും താങ്കൾ വിട്ടു പോവില്ലെന്നെന്താണുറപ്പ് ?".
ഒന്നും മിണ്ടാതെ ശ്യാം എൻ്റെ മുടിയിഴകൾ തലോടി കൊണ്ട് കിടന്നു.

ഒരിക്കൽ ശ്യാം എന്നെ വിട്ടു പോവുമെന്നുള്ള ഭയം ഗർഭകാലം  മുഴുവൻ എന്നെ അലട്ടി കൊണ്ടിരുന്നു.
ഇന്നും ആ ബുദ്ധ പ്രതിമ ഞങ്ങളുടെ സ്വീകരണ മുറിയിലുണ്ട്;ഇപ്പോഴും ആ  ബുദ്ധന് ശ്യാമിന്റെ ഛായ ആണ്.

A work place metabolism

I can see the scorn in their eyes,
I can feel the contempt in them.

In some,I can see the pity,
And in them I feel the sympathy.

I can hear their rude remarks,
Of hatred ,anger & dismay.

I can feel,hear and see,
The judgmental faces of many.

But, I remain the same....
The same powerful, questful female.

I do not bend and bow,
I do not argue and quit,
I fight and strive,
And work like a clock.

And...
And, on one day,

They watch me with worship,
But I may turn blind.

They speak  with awe,
But I may turn deaf.

They greet me with smile,
But I may turn dumb.

That's how the world is
And will be  forever.

The lovely wound

 Karmic debts are many.We  might not even know why some people make an appearance in our life.Why do they make a re-entry?
It is so vaguely defined that these people are there in our life for that certain period of time to teach us or to make us realize many things  or may even answer an emotional dilemma or heal the wounds of our heart.

He was such a guy.He came in to my life to make me acknowledge  that particular emotion; to feel the beauty and bitterness of love. He vanished from there to teach me the pain of losing your love.
We never ever talked about this  and that was because he was destined to teach me the uncertainty of winning a love.

All throughout,he was never in love with me.
All throughout I was deeply in love with him.
It was strong and calm, but it mattered only to me.

His re-entry in to my life after so many years answered one question which had disturbed me for long...

He was never in love with me!

And this had put a full stop to the unfinished story of my first love.

The Kitten's death

                                                          -I-

The kitten lay helpless, battling for its death.

 I was helpless too, stood there as a mere spectator, crying frantically, and feeling guilty all the time.

 When I stood there watching her pain, I regretted my decision to have her as my pet. I should have vowed to take care of her before I accepted her. I should have been a little more careful.

 I don't remember her name, or maybe I didn't even name her.

 I got the sweet and tiny creature from Mini's home. Mini was my best friend, and her mom, Mariamma Aunty, was an ardent feline lover. One day, I went there to meet the cat mom and her kitten. I fell in love with the kitten at first sight itself. Aunty gave her to me as a gift.

 Moti was so excited. She was like a true mother. Being a dog, which never had puppies, she fed the kitten with motherly affection and treated her as her own.

 Some of our neighbors said it is against nature to keep the dog and the kitten under one roof. They are born enemies and should not behave without enmity.

 Human beings are strange creatures; they make their own rules and boundaries and believe that the Almighty made it.

                                                

                                                            - II -

 The kitten was still alive, and I ran away from there. I cursed myself for that fateful moment, and the things that happened on that day never left my mind.

 It's been almost thirty years since it all happened. I was a seven-year-old kid then. Even now, if I close my eyes for a few seconds, everything that happened on that day will flash across my mind.

 That boy was Achu Uncle's relative. Since it was our summer holidays, he used to come and play with me and Mini. But, on that day, he came with Fluffy, Achu uncle's pet dog. She was also my Moti's friend.

 The tiny creature was lying there, clinging on to Moti, whom she thought was her mother. Fluffy growled at the kitten when she saw her but soon settled down calmly, lying opposite to them.

 Everything went well, and we were all happily playing some board games. 

 It happened then.

 Moti got up and went out to answer nature's call. Suddenly, Fluffy sprang upon the little one like a prey and tossed it violently. She almost killed the kitten and there was blood everywhere. I was shocked and couldn't move. With great difficulty, the boy took Fluffy back to their home. 

The kitten lay there, half-dead!

The wails of the dying kitten still ring in my ears. It was in immense pain and was struggling to die, but could not. The Vet told that he wouldn't be able to save the kitten. 

The kitten lay like that, wailing for one more day.

Yes, I ran away from there, cursing myself for letting another dog near my kitten. I could have even kept it inside the house when Fluffy came; I could have listened carefully to the neighbors when they told me that dogs and cats are born enemies. But I did not.

 The vivid image of the dying kitten has permanently made its place in my mind, and there's no escape for me from that sin. Yet, I continue with my daily life ignoring the turmoil of my subconscious mind. And in the darkest depth of my mind, my kitten is still alive, and I am dead!

 

 

 

A come back and "The Hercule Poirot " madness

 Ohhh Yeah!!! I am back again after many years .

After a lot of contemplation , I chose to unwind myself. I have realized  in a bitter way that holding on to the daily 'roller coaster rides ' will not help in moving on.
Okay ! So there I start to unwind ..........

I admit that even at the age of 32 (Infact a few more days are still left for me to turn to 32) I love reading Agatha Christie ,especially Poirot. It's actually a re- reading, a particular relaxation procedure I have become addicted to,  say, very recently. I love stacking all these collections on the book shelf which has been gifted by my sis-in law and admire the frame from a photographer's angle (I doubt!!!)

After some time I dwelve in to the thoughts like how would a lady in those ages think of such crime plots , very romantic and artistic, and why am I even unable to guess anything regarding the " so called murderers or the guilty".

It is infact really intruguing and I very much want to speak to Agatha Christie's Spirit . I have a hell lot of questions to her and I need the answers badly, really badly. Whether the crimes were so frequent during her period and whether  people just schemed and plotted these murders , (Really brilliant plots, I must say) and was it all about inheritance they cared about mostly and the Question  list continues........

Still I go a step further by watching Poirot's video series and get amused every second by David Suchet's acting skills.Next, i re-read the novel of the video I had just watched and let myself enjoy by visualising the characters and relates each and every gesture, action etc of Poirot  with that of the great actor David Suchet. The saga continues....and I mix these with Miss Marple videos as well.

The most irritating thing (of course, As per my husband) I did was making my hubby darling get  the cartons with these books which was stored in the topmost storage space of his study  and searching frantically among the books with the whole Poirot list. I even made my hubby buy me the few novels which i did not have in the collection.

If I just look back , 2 months back, to be precise , I used to watch " Sarabhai vs Sarabhai" in hot star to unwind myself and then  as usual used to think on how they acted so naturally with all the sarcasm and humour.

Right now I am still under the Poirot spell and I presume that the madness may continue for sometime unless otherwise I get to speak to Christie's Spirit in my dream very soon.

Dear  Monsieur Poirot,  If you had really existed and was alive  now you would have been delighted to know that another more person had become your fan and talks of ,as you say,  "The Hercule Poirot"!!!!