A work place metabolism

I can see the scorn in their eyes,
I can feel the contempt in them.

In some,I can see the pity,
And in them I feel the sympathy.

I can hear their rude remarks,
Of hatred ,anger & dismay.

I can feel,hear and see,
The judgmental faces of many.

But, I remain the same....
The same powerful, questful female.

I do not bend and bow,
I do not argue and quit,
I fight and strive,
And work like a clock.

And...
And, on one day,

They watch me with worship,
But I may turn blind.

They speak  with awe,
But I may turn deaf.

They greet me with smile,
But I may turn dumb.

That's how the world is
And will be  forever.

The lovely wound

 Karmic debts are many.We  might not even know why some people make an appearance in our life.Why do they make a re-entry?
It is so vaguely defined that these people are there in our life for that certain period of time to teach us or to make us realize many things  or may even answer an emotional dilemma or heal the wounds of our heart.

He was such a guy.He came in to my life to make me acknowledge  that particular emotion; to feel the beauty and bitterness of love. He vanished from there to teach me the pain of losing your love.
We never ever talked about this  and that was because he was destined to teach me the uncertainty of winning a love.

All throughout,he was never in love with me.
All throughout I was deeply in love with him.
It was strong and calm, but it mattered only to me.

His re-entry in to my life after so many years answered one question which had disturbed me for long...

He was never in love with me!

And this had put a full stop to the unfinished story of my first love.

The Kitten's death

                                                          -I-

The kitten lay helpless, battling for its death.

 I was helpless too, stood there as a mere spectator, crying frantically, and feeling guilty all the time.

 When I stood there watching her pain, I regretted my decision to have her as my pet. I should have vowed to take care of her before I accepted her. I should have been a little more careful.

 I don't remember her name, or maybe I didn't even name her.

 I got the sweet and tiny creature from Mini's home. Mini was my best friend, and her mom, Mariamma Aunty, was an ardent feline lover. One day, I went there to meet the cat mom and her kitten. I fell in love with the kitten at first sight itself. Aunty gave her to me as a gift.

 Moti was so excited. She was like a true mother. Being a dog, which never had puppies, she fed the kitten with motherly affection and treated her as her own.

 Some of our neighbors said it is against nature to keep the dog and the kitten under one roof. They are born enemies and should not behave without enmity.

 Human beings are strange creatures; they make their own rules and boundaries and believe that the Almighty made it.

                                                

                                                            - II -

 The kitten was still alive, and I ran away from there. I cursed myself for that fateful moment, and the things that happened on that day never left my mind.

 It's been almost thirty years since it all happened. I was a seven-year-old kid then. Even now, if I close my eyes for a few seconds, everything that happened on that day will flash across my mind.

 That boy was Achu Uncle's relative. Since it was our summer holidays, he used to come and play with me and Mini. But, on that day, he came with Fluffy, Achu uncle's pet dog. She was also my Moti's friend.

 The tiny creature was lying there, clinging on to Moti, whom she thought was her mother. Fluffy growled at the kitten when she saw her but soon settled down calmly, lying opposite to them.

 Everything went well, and we were all happily playing some board games. 

 It happened then.

 Moti got up and went out to answer nature's call. Suddenly, Fluffy sprang upon the little one like a prey and tossed it violently. She almost killed the kitten and there was blood everywhere. I was shocked and couldn't move. With great difficulty, the boy took Fluffy back to their home. 

The kitten lay there, half-dead!

The wails of the dying kitten still ring in my ears. It was in immense pain and was struggling to die, but could not. The Vet told that he wouldn't be able to save the kitten. 

The kitten lay like that, wailing for one more day.

Yes, I ran away from there, cursing myself for letting another dog near my kitten. I could have even kept it inside the house when Fluffy came; I could have listened carefully to the neighbors when they told me that dogs and cats are born enemies. But I did not.

 The vivid image of the dying kitten has permanently made its place in my mind, and there's no escape for me from that sin. Yet, I continue with my daily life ignoring the turmoil of my subconscious mind. And in the darkest depth of my mind, my kitten is still alive, and I am dead!

 

 

 

A come back and "The Hercule Poirot " madness

 Ohhh Yeah!!! I am back again after many years .

After a lot of contemplation , I chose to unwind myself. I have realized  in a bitter way that holding on to the daily 'roller coaster rides ' will not help in moving on.
Okay ! So there I start to unwind ..........

I admit that even at the age of 32 (Infact a few more days are still left for me to turn to 32) I love reading Agatha Christie ,especially Poirot. It's actually a re- reading, a particular relaxation procedure I have become addicted to,  say, very recently. I love stacking all these collections on the book shelf which has been gifted by my sis-in law and admire the frame from a photographer's angle (I doubt!!!)

After some time I dwelve in to the thoughts like how would a lady in those ages think of such crime plots , very romantic and artistic, and why am I even unable to guess anything regarding the " so called murderers or the guilty".

It is infact really intruguing and I very much want to speak to Agatha Christie's Spirit . I have a hell lot of questions to her and I need the answers badly, really badly. Whether the crimes were so frequent during her period and whether  people just schemed and plotted these murders , (Really brilliant plots, I must say) and was it all about inheritance they cared about mostly and the Question  list continues........

Still I go a step further by watching Poirot's video series and get amused every second by David Suchet's acting skills.Next, i re-read the novel of the video I had just watched and let myself enjoy by visualising the characters and relates each and every gesture, action etc of Poirot  with that of the great actor David Suchet. The saga continues....and I mix these with Miss Marple videos as well.

The most irritating thing (of course, As per my husband) I did was making my hubby darling get  the cartons with these books which was stored in the topmost storage space of his study  and searching frantically among the books with the whole Poirot list. I even made my hubby buy me the few novels which i did not have in the collection.

If I just look back , 2 months back, to be precise , I used to watch " Sarabhai vs Sarabhai" in hot star to unwind myself and then  as usual used to think on how they acted so naturally with all the sarcasm and humour.

Right now I am still under the Poirot spell and I presume that the madness may continue for sometime unless otherwise I get to speak to Christie's Spirit in my dream very soon.

Dear  Monsieur Poirot,  If you had really existed and was alive  now you would have been delighted to know that another more person had become your fan and talks of ,as you say,  "The Hercule Poirot"!!!!

Ahmedabad Dayzzzzzzzzz

Well..again i don't know why i thought of posting a new one.As usual i am confused again ....directionless....cursing myself for the decision i took....Yet..i am happy...it's a secret,which even my conscious mind doesn't know......Yes.....i found that out yesterday..i am happy..just like how i used to be during those good old days..i was laughing again ,started my chirpy talks and outings with friends....but somehow my face is projecting a sad image,as that of a lady who is away from her love and who is presently going through a big emotional trauma......why?why?why?
I can't say i don't know now,b'coz i know .I know that i am afraid to reveal my happiness ,i am afraid that this happiness is going to be a short lived one,i am afraid that this happiness will make me mad.......
What a human being i am....to be sad when you are really happy.......
Its true...our wants will never end ....am so greedy.................
To be independent,when you have the option to be dependent is a very good feeling.You get all theose chances to enjoy..still....you miss something...For me,I miss Shyam...the one vital person in my life.What confuses me is that i am happy enjoying my independence,although his absence is making me feel an emptiness inside.Can i not have Shyam and independence together in my life????
This,am posting from my bank and am doing this as if i am doing a crime...ohhhh....

Life has its own course......

There are times when you feel like staying away from acquaintances and stick to a few of your close friends.This is the best time to look inward and know yourselves.
But now time has come for me to come out of that shell of mine and interact with the world around me.After 2 long years ,i got a break,from a house wife to a working woman.Again this time also ,it is not what i had wanted all these years.But i have no choice,or,maybe its just that i don't want to choose from many available options.
I wanted to be in a middle state ,that of a working woman who can manage her home very well.But now i am away from my home,still searching for a balance.
I don't even know whether i want to mother a child now or not......am so indecisive.....
There was a time when i had wanted so many things ,a time when i was very ambitious and creative,but its a different life now.Yet i chose this life,i arranged this life,and am trying to cope with a life which has given me all essentials...I am not complaining but i can't help using the word 'cope',b'coz that's what i am doing now.
Even then i am not sure....whether i will be happy when i achieve that middle state...am so greedy....Ohhh!!!! God,Why am i so greedy?Why did you instill greed and selfishness in to my mind...?????